The National Archetype Expo

Tom Hashford works for the city, splits wood in his backyard, drinks only Budweiser from a can.  Friends and acquaintances always refer to him as “a real man’s man”. Fortunately he will have the opportunity to prove it at this year’s 8th Annual Archetype Expo held in the expanse of the entire Western Kentucky Valley this weekend.  

Launched in 2002 by 40-year old Ortho Chiltern and his company Eponymous Solutions LLC, The Archetype Expo as grown exponentially in the past years, incorporating over 4,000 categories and attendees from all over the world.  It is one of the most attended expos in the US, donning the official title A Real Expo’s Expo.

 Coming from humble beginnings, Ortho held the inaugural expo on his porch in his hometown of Search River, KY.  Awards handed out at the first expo were mostly given to girlfriend Vera, (A Real Neck Massager’s Neck Massager, A Real Know It All’s Know It All), his neighbor Lidell, (A Real Sonuvabitch’s Sonuvabitch) Duchess, (A Real Dog’s Dog), and Ortho himself, as he rattled off a list 40 categories long including Man, Dude, Bro, Volleyball Spiker, Chamois Utilizer, On-And-Off Boyfriend, and redacted Lidell’s Sonuvabitch award at the end, claiming famously “that’s what A Real Sonuvabitch’s Sonuvabitch would do.”

As word spread of this aggrandizing festival, more and more people wanted a shot at archetypal fame.  Chiltern removed himself from eligibility and set up a rigorous application process that included every applicant to provide corroborating essays, pictures, videos, and court documents proclaiming his/her eligibility, and organizing the information to fit on a sturdy card table, also to be provided by the applicant.

Now its 2010, card tables are replaced by 4,000 Eponymous Solutions sanctioned A Real Stage’s Stages®, Ortho’s porch replaced by an acreage the size of 40,000 football fields, and categories have been expanded to include: inanimate objects of all kinds, deities, historical figures, concepts mathematical, concepts philosophical, concepts unattainable, and new this year is the meta category, taking the Expo to new heights by allowing each category to have a supra category (e.g. A Real Dad’s Dad’s Dad).   This 4-month marathon of unanimous defining kicks off this Saturday.

Will Tom Hashford have the pluck to be awarded the coveted Man ribbon this year?  Competition is always stiff for that category, but Hashford returns this year with two ribbons pinned to his lapel from the 2009 competition: “A Real Hands At Ten And Two Guy’s Hands At Ten And Two Guy” and the much lauded “A Real Knows Exactly When To Stop A Hug Guy’s Knows Exactly When To Stop A Hug Guy”.   His dreams and many others now lay in the hands of sole judge Ortho Chiltern in what’s sure to be the best Archetype Expo yet.

by Jeremy Larson